


Ladies of the Company

by Blue_Sparkle



Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Alternative Universe - Gender Changes, Bilbo assumes things he shouldn't have assumed, Crack, Dwalin is not amused, F/F, F/M, Humor, The Dwarves are used to that and don't bother correcting, some smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-09
Updated: 2014-09-09
Packaged: 2018-02-16 19:32:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,578
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2281893
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Blue_Sparkle/pseuds/Blue_Sparkle
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bilbo never met a Dwarf woman before, so he assumed that all Dwarves of the company were men. He realized his mistake when seeing one of them in a rather compromising situation</p>
            </blockquote>





	Ladies of the Company

Bilbo had never expected to spend endless weeks in the company of Dwarves and a wizard, fourteen other men in each other’s presence all day long. Bilbo didn’t mind, though it was unusual to him. All of them were warriors, and even gentle and proper ones like Ori and Dori were so different from what Bilbo was used to among Hobbits.

Sometimes Bilbo missed the friendly and familiar way of his own family, and he missed the company of his various cousins, aunts and friends. They were always glad to share a smoke, some tea and maybe a plate of scones or two. He missed the ways Hobbit families were together.

From what Bilbo could observe among Dwarves, their family ties were strong. But they were so utterly rough, and all families were related by being cousins or brothers. There was little Bilbo actually managed to find out about his companions, since there was no polite way to ask without seeming too nosy, but Dwarfish families looked to be much more simple and small than what Bilbo was used to. They had few children as well.

It took a while to find out more, but eventually Bilbo heard the tales of the families left behind.

“My lad was too young for this,” Glóin told Bilbo when he realized that he hadn’t heard of ‘wee Gimli’ yet. “Younger than these two rascals over there, but he was pouting all the time we were preparing to leave. Ah, he’ll have his own adventures soon enough.”

Bilbo listened to him talk about his boy and his beloved wife, who was a banker or merchant, Bilbo wasn’t entirely sure, and when the others grew tired of Glóin’s talk, Bofur interrupted to tell of his nephews. 

“Bom’s got nine children already,” he said, while Bombur smiled and let the others congratulate him. “And ‘m sure Mirra would have wished to come along if the little ones weren’t all too young and in need of a parent.”

“I would have stayed,” Bombur said, “but I didn’t want to leave my family alone _here_ , and her brothers are with her.”

Bofur leaned close to Bilbo, smiling so hard that Bilbo wondered how his cheeks didn’t cramp.

“And when we come back we’ll have another little pebble, or two, if it’s twins. With Bombur’s luck this might even happen.”

It was strange, that of the thirteen Dwarves only two were married (Gandalf was an entirely different matter.) Bilbo had never felt inclined to marry himself, but he doubted that all of his companions were like him. They certainly weren’t, they voluntarily went on a quest Bilbo still wasn’t quite sure about. 

He had heard tales and rumours about the women of Dwarves, but he had never met anyone who actually had met one. Some said there were very few of them, and those who found a wife were lucky. Others said that Dwarf women simply never left their mountains if it could be helped. It would be rude to ask, so Bilbo tried to contain his curiosity.

One day though, he was sitting near the fire, minding the cooking pot for Bombur. It was easy, Bilbo just had to make sure that the stew would not stop boiling, and besides, he had Nori for company, and they were having a smoke. 

Somewhere further off, Ori was questioning Glóin about something his wife did, something about inks Bilbo couldn’t quite follow. 

“At what age do Dwarves marry?” he asked Nori casually.

Nori glanced up.

“Most at about a century, why?”

“Glóin talks so much about his wife, but apart from Bombur nobody else ever mentions a family. I would have thought that more of you were married, but none talks about it.”

“If you can’t find a good match or don’t want to, or just have no opportunity to get married, you end up unbound.”

Nori shrugged and gave Bilbo a crooked smile.

“Do you _want_ more of us to be married and talk about it? Glóin’s talking too much for all of us combined, I don’t want to image what it’d be like if another one would do this.”

Bilbo laughed along with him, but he also felt some pity. Wanting a wife and not being able to find one… Bilbo had never lacked for being a bachelor, and he doubted he’d ever want to change it, but if one wanted a partner where there was none, it would surely get lonely. 

“I’m sure you’ll get to meet her sometime,” Nori told him, “Glóin’s more bearable about it when she’s near, gets quiet but still sickly sweet about how much he loves her.”

“I would like that,” Bilbo replied. “I must admit I never met a Dwarf woman before, though. Are they much like you? I wouldn’t want to be rude on accident.”

Nori gave him a strange look, leaning his head to the side as he watched Bilbo. For a moment Bilbo was nervous that he’d crossed some line, that he wasn’t supposed to be asking things like this. Then Nori smiled again.

“Dwarf women aren’t much different from us, you wouldn’t need to change your proper Hobbit-y ways.”

Bilbo was reassured by Nori’s unchanged attitude. The fire was still warming the pot as it should, and it was nearly comfortable in the late afternoon sunshine, and the smoke, so he relaxed. 

“Do you or your brothers have a wife? I suppose Ori is a tad young, but does Dori have somebody waiting for him?”

The corners of Nori’s eyes crinkled as his smile widened.

“Dori? Oh, Dori isn’t married, and doesn’t exactly have anyone waiting… I imagine there’ll be proposals and marriage and a lovely wife, once the mountain is reclaimed and our people return though.”

A sweetheart he hadn’t proposed to yet. That was precious and Bilbo smiled.

“And you Master Nori? Do you have your eye on somebody you’d want to have as your wife?”

At this Nori chuckled.

“I never really felt like the marrying type, before… Though, I can assure you I won’t be taking a wife either way.”

There was a mischievous glimmer in his eyes, and something about it made Bilbo refrain from further questioning him. They sat quietly and smoked, until Bombur arrived and took over their spot again.

*-*-*-*

Rivendell was in incredibly gorgeous place. Bilbo had never visited a city of Elves, and everything was perfect, peaceful and beautiful. He thought he’d be able to wander in it for hours, and never grow tired of the sight. Their hosts were very polite, though of course the company was complaining. 

Dwarves would be Dwarves, Bilbo supposed, and didn’t let himself be bothered by anything they did, even if they demonstrated the same appalling table manners as they had in Bag End. He’d have expected Thorin to calm them down, but instead the King just danced along when everyone threw food and sang a funny little song. Probably not _that_ much different from rowdy young Hobbits in the Green Dragon, but there was a time and a place. 

Only when they decided to go to a beautiful fountain and use it as a swimming pool did Bilbo decide that he had enough. He didn’t want to go bath in a place that so obviously wasn’t meant to be used that way, with everyone being rowdy and he wasn’t sure how much water there’d be, or how deep each pool was.

So when half the company decided to go there, Bilbo remained where he was, and he wasn’t the only one.

“I don’t want to bath in the open air in this place,” Dori said when Ori asked him to come along. “There’s too many Elves here, I’d rather go find these wonderful bathhouses I saw earlier. Those will have actual doors and walls, for once.”

Bilbo perked up at that, and he quickly scrambled up, just as Balin said he’d go with Dori. 

“Would you mind if I come along?” he asked “it’s been too long since I had the use of a proper bathtub.” 

Dori and Balin gave him surprised looks, then glanced at each other. It seemed as if they were having a silent conversation there, and suddenly Bilbo felt like he was intruding.

“Of course you can,” Dori said politely, but Bilbo already decided not to.

“Perhaps later,” he said, waving them off with a polite smile. “I think I’ll take a walk to the kitchens and find myself a bath a bit later in the evening.”

Both Dwarves shrugged and made off towards where Dori said the baths were, and Bilbo decided to go the opposite direction. He didn’t feel like being around the company just then.

There was a wing of the main buildings that had been assigned to the Dwarves, and Bilbo hadn’t had the chance to explore it fully. There were bedrooms, and halls that Bilbo would assume were meant as common halls, places to make music together, read or relax in company. Some were balconies, others were near small fountains and the gardens, several were large and others were small for when you wanted more solitude. 

Bilbo loved all of it, so he wandered and tried the few doors and rooms he hadn’t seen before. Some were bedrooms, and he avoided those to not accidentally search through an occupied room.

It was easy to loose the sense of where a corridor or room started, though, since there were few doors. Most of it was just niches, and curving walls similar to Hobbit-holes but not quite. Bilbo walked and glanced around, taking everything in. He thought he recognized the place; he’d been through it before, when they got the chance to put away their bags and go have dinner.

There were cushions on the floor and very comfortable low benches, possibly something for Elves to lie on, but very nice for Hobbits or Dwarves to sit. 

Bilbo moved soundlessly and examined the paintings on the walls, so caught up that he barely realized that he was following the curved wall, where what seemed to be a corridor parted into two. 

That was how Bilbo saw the Dwarves.

It took him several moments to realize what he was seeing, then it was too late and the image burned itself into his mind before he could do the right thing and just look away.

The first thing Bilbo saw was Dwalin’s back, where the Dwarf was kneeling in front of one of the low benches, facing away from Bilbo, leaning over… Nori was there, on the bench, legs thrown over Dwalin’s shoulders and Dwalin’s hands were holding his hips tight and there was _no doubts_ about what those two were doing, with the quiet and obscene noises Dwalin was making and Nori’s soft cries. 

Nori had his head thrown back, and he was gasping and moaning near soundlessly, there was no wonder Bilbo hadn’t heard; he hadn’t been paying attention after all. Bilbo felt his face heat up as his eyes darted over it all, from the back of Dwalin’s head, to Nori’s back arched up as he leaned back, bracing himself with his hands, his furry belly marked by scratches and his shirt opened wide to expose all of his torso and his… breasts?

Then Bilbo startled back as the realization of what he was doing there hit him, and Nori’s eyes opened and fixed on him, and he hissed something in the Dwarfish language and Dwalin moved away...

Bilbo forced his eyes to move away to the wall just behind Nori’s head, but he saw how Nori was grinning, with that mischievous glimmer in his eyes again…

His? Or… Had Bilbo just not realized that… no, impossible, all of the Dwarves had a beard, or at least a stubble, and all has said... Had they? Or had they not said anything at all?

“Master Baggins,” Nori greeted while pulling up a knee to turn away from Bilbo’s direct line of sight. His… or… Nori’s voice was rough and breathless and Bilbo felt his face heat up further. This was so embarrassing.

“I a-am terribly sorry, I didn’t realize…”

Dwalin sat up and turned to Bilbo, the back one of his too big, too rough hands slowly wiping over his mouth as he gave the Hobbit a nondescript stare. Even kneeling at Nori’s feet he looked threatening as ever and Bilbo was proud that he managed to choke down the frightful little whimper. 

He trailed off, trying his best not to stare at anyone, tried to will his legs to move and _not_ look at Nori’s… everything. Dwalin’s face was also not what he wanted to look at, he was already nervous enough. At least Dwalin was sitting so that he was hiding most of Nori from view, and Bilbo’s frantically flickering eyes wouldn’t… 

“Be careful when wandering strange places. Might be you accidentally see Dwarf women for the first time,” Nori reproached him gently.

“A Dwarf woman? B-but why didn’t you… why did nobody tell…?”

Nori and Dwalin were both giving him strange looks, nearly amused in Nori’s case, and a glare in Dwalin’s. Bilbo’s cheeks burned as he noticed how long he had just been standing there.

“Excuse me,” he stammered, and turned on his heel to run away as quickly as a Hobbit could. 

His cheeks were still burning and his heart was racing by the time he reached some quiet pond and was well away from that place.

Dwarves, he thought, with a nervous chuckle, would never cease to shock and surprise him.

 

*-*-*-*

Nori pulled her leg closer to her body, the other still lying over Dwalin’s arm loosely. 

“We gave him quite the shock, didn’t we?”

Her cheeks were slightly flushed, both from their previous activities and from Bilbo walking in on them like that. Part of her wanted to laugh at his face, and part wanted to hide further behind Dwalin, just in case he came back.

Dwalin growled slightly, both his hands moving over the soft skin on her belly and hips. It was a calming gesture, even if neither of them wanted to be _calm_ now. Still, it was sweet and appreciated, and Nori twined her fingers with his.

“Your face,” she noted as she saw Dwalin’s expression. “It would have frightened him even more.”

Dwalin’s face moved out of sight as he leaned against her to gently kiss her ribs.

“He should have gone wandering, or just turn away, we wouldn’t have noticed, I wouldn’t have glared.”

His kisses moved lower, and Nori shivered slightly as his beard tickled over her belly.

“He also shouldn’t have assumed that all in the company are men. Then he wouldn’t be shocked.”

Nori sighed softly under his touches. She was used to that, she barely even minded, while Dwalin might have only ever encountered outsiders while Dís was traveling with them and no other woman. 

“They all assume, I don’t mind.”

Dwalin looked up at her, the intensity of his gaze making Nori shiver again.

“Well _I_ mind,” Dwalin growled, the rumble of his voice carrying straight through her body and making her stomach clench at the sensation. 

“I never liked being interrupted or leaving something unfinished.”

Nori tried to make a quip in return, but then Dwalin’s arms curled around her legs and he bowed down again, and then Nori really couldn’t care about having the last word or interruptions or silly little Hobbits anymore.

**Author's Note:**

> There was a cracky kink meme prompt... I couldn't resist
> 
> Mirra is the name of Thorinsmut’s reoccurring OC.
> 
> now on to useless headcanons that didn't make it into the story
> 
> Both Balin and Dori are women, and they plan to marry once the Erebor business is settled. I am very sure that they’re demi- or asexual though. They meant to enjoy a hot bath and maybe a cuddle when they wanted privacy, unlike their siblings they wouldn’t feel like doing anything more intimate than in public spaces (at least in Rivendell, Erebor is a different matter)
> 
> Nori is bisexual and has no preference as far as gender goes, but she never had a long relationship with anyone, really, at least none she felt would end in a marriage, before Dwalin came along. It was like that with him at first, but it’s been decades and by now she’s sure.
> 
> Thorin is a woman as well, but she wasn’t there during the bath-scene and I saw no place to mention it?


End file.
